I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
