oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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