Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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