I'm so fucking centered right now
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
