My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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