I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
