why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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