whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
