Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
