Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
