So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
