as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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