i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize