I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
