I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
