If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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