You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
