Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
