i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize