i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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