two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
