i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize