from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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