It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize