Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
