I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
