Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
