I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
