I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
