I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I need to stop coming to work sober
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
