Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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