the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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