i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I pour the whiskey from now on
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
