theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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