i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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