I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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