anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
