My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she looked like the before picture.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't deserve a penis
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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