Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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