I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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