I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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