On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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