i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
