you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's rum buckets o'clock
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
