You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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