and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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