Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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