just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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