I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
