I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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