i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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