Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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