I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
