dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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