It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
