I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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