well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
