there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
