thus making me awesome and them whores
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
