i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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