all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
