I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
