You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize