I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize