Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
