Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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