I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
