Don't make out with my wife yet
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
