my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Can I color on your dick again?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
