I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
