have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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